The last lesbian commune on the left

Fearnet: your source for shitty, free horror films! Provided you have OnDemand and are bored. Very, very bored. Or are such a huge horror film fan that you don't give a damn about what you're watching.

As I've said before, I'm a fan of the horror genre. I'll take it where I can get it, be it rad, original Asian horror, low-rent but high-on-the-scares American 1970s horror or low-rent and amazingly stupid American remake of rad, original Asian horror. Whatever. I'm a sucker.

So, when the the re-imagining (if you will) of Friday the 13th was released, I checked out the original on Fearnet for funzies. This year's version is, by the way, effing terrible. I hadn't seen the original in a long while, and wanted to refresh my memory for the remake/re-imagining/crapfest that is the 2009 version. NO NEED, as it turns out! It's just that bad!

While we were sitting through the endless crapfest of previews for the new F13, we saw a preview for a remake of The Last House on the Left. Now, if you've been in front of a tv at all in the last few weeks, you know it's due in theaters on March 13.

Cue Fearnet! As always, Fearnet is out makin' that dolla and for a few hot minutes, they were running the real thang: Wes Craven's 1972 gorefest The Last House on the Left.

I watched! I couldn't help myself. As a young 'mo, my parents would never let me rent LHH, even though they let me rent pretty much every other awful, bloody '80s horror film out there. You know what? They were probably being quite sensible. Remind me to call my mom and tell her exactly that, ok?

The 1972 LHH is ... something. Here's a fun fact from IMDB: one of the film's alternate titles was Sex Crime of the Century. Let's amend that shall we? Dyke Sex Crime of the Century! Or maybe Forced Ladyparts Rape, like it's a weird Japanese porn.

Synopsis: A high school chick goes out with her friend to the Big City to see a concert for her birthday. As they head to the show, a radio report reveals that some Dangerous Men have escaped from prison. In the Big City, the chicks attempt to buy some "grass" from one of the Dangerous Men. Mayhem ensues. And by Mayhem, I mean death. And lesbian rape. And forced lesbian copulation. And also regular, heterosexual rape. Also, someone's peen is bitten off by an angry woman. Also drugs! Also a silly, happy score accompanies this whole thing! After that, revenge! And that guy who played the angry karate instructor ("Sweep the leg!") in The Karate Kid is in it!

If you come away with anything about the original, it's one thing: lesbian rape. The IMDB FAQ for the film even includes this question: "Why isn't the forced lesbian scenes in any release?" I mean, awesome. Good question. Not "Why is this film a sack of shit?" or "Why the fucking hell did anyone sit through this?"

And now this: I'm terribly curious to see if the remake (due any day now!) includes, you know, any of the violent lady-on-lady sexual assault that the original included. There's also a character in the original who apparently turned into a big 'mo while her boyfriend was in prison. Will we see that?

Here's my guess: fucking absolutely no way on earth. Here's another guess: the new version of LHH will somehow, some way end up being WORSE than the original.

Who's with me?