6.1 L Word: And so it begins

Whew! The final season of "The L Word" is upon us and we find out right away that Jenny Schecter must die. And did. Xena, the Warrior Princess is dressed as a cop and has about five stunning lines. The rest of the cast is looking sullen in Bette and Tina's living room. She tells Bette she has a beautiful family and then in comes the medics with Jenny's body on a stretcher. They decide, in their infinite wisdom, that parking the stretcher in the living room while Srgt. Xena makes notes, is a good idea.

* And now, we go back to when Jenny is addressing the crowd at the afterparty for Lez Girls. Now, Ilene, I haven't forgotten that you LOVED Adele last season, because her storyline has seemed to have been dropped. Neatly, like Ilene likes. We get to see her smoking a clove cigarette (gag) and telling Tina that the movie plot has been changed from lesbian to str8. Ah, buggar.

* Meanwhile, Jenny finds Shane has muffdived right into Niki Poopie Tattooie. This, breaks Jenny's cold, but not yet dead, heart. She hops into her car and drives away. Shane pushes Nicki away, who is obviously smitten, and gets into a car to chase after Jenny. Why these characters love car chases is beyond me. Is it a lesbian thing I've not yet been made aware of? Sheesh.

* We find ourselves, dear readers, in the middle of a semi-fight between Tasha and Alice. I write semi-fight because Alice thinks it's wise to answer the phone whilst arguing. Now, if I did that while I was semi-fighting with my lady, well, I wouldn't be blogging right now. But this isn't about me. Moving on. P.S. Alice is actually wearing the correct size for her body and sports the cutest little red dress. Tasha has an impeccable ensemble with her baggy jeans, tank and vest. Yum.

* Back at Jenny and Shane's: Shane is trying to push through the front door while Jenny is trying to hold it shut. The chain helping keep Shane out is THE LONGEST DOOR CHAIN in America. I'm not kidding. Shane could have easily squeezed her way into the house, almost X-Men like, I think.

* Quickly, we see Bette and Tina return home to address the 8-year-old babysitter. They find that Angelica has had a fever and that the baby(sitter) gave her Advil. ADVIL? Do they make that for babies? Tina is too busy being angry and pursing her tiny lips to worry much about Angelica. "I'm just so fucking furious. ... Adele and Aaron worked him over. William has some integrity." Bette: "You should call him." Tina: "It's 1:30 in the morning." Bette: "You should call him, it's not like he hasn't called you a half dozen times in the middle of the night." Tina: "He pays my paycheck." Bette: "That doesn't give him more rights than you." Excuse me, but um, let me check. Wait. Yup, yup, it does give him more rights than you. Too bad they can't finish the conversation, Shane is banging the door, next door, pleading with Jenny. Thus starts a debate between Tina and Bette about Cheaters' rights and Cheatees' expectations. I'll spare you, because I'm sure you can imagine it.

* Niki Poopie Tattooie arrives at Jenny's door and helps talk her way into the house, along with Shane. We hear Shane's poor explanation and Niki's sad, sad dialogue. It ends with a lamp getting thrown at Shane. Delightful.

* "We have nothing in common," Tasha says to Alice. "We have things in common," Alice says, and proceeds to nuzzle up to Tasha. Awwwww. Tasha sees through it. She says that can't be the only thing. But we, the audience, would have loved to see all the things that Tasha and Alice have in common. Damn.

* At Bette/Tina's. Shane has conned her way in, and is telling Bette about her love for Molly. About how she was faithful to Molly. "That's big," Bette says, all doughy eyed. "How hard is it for someone to be faithful to someone they love?!" Tina says, half screaming. Yikes. Maybe some things should just not be brought up, right? But I realize that this is almost impossible for lesbians. Or women, for that matter.

* Kit and Helena have taken over Dawn Denbo's club and have named it the Hit club, because it combines their two names.

* Back at Bette and Tina's. Tina's all scrunchy in her apology to Shane for being volatile. Angelica is sick and crying in the background and both mamas run to help. Shane decides to take her chances elsewhere.

* Shane shows up at Alice's and ruins the argument she was having with Tasha. Shane, with her clothes in a Whole Foods bag. How chic! Tasha is perturbed and gets the hell out of Dodge. Alice chases after her. Again, another car chase.

* Bette is confused by the electronic thermometer and gets a reading on Angelica: 104. The trio race to the hospital.

* Molly shows up at Jenny's. MOLLY? I forgot about you. Jenny tells Molly that Shane and Niki hooked up on the Pink Ride and that they are currently fucking at a hotel. Molly gives Jenny one of Shane's shirts with a love letter to Shane inside the pocket, despite the news and despite Jenny. Who, by the way, answered the door in her underwear. That's how I like to decompress.
She reads the letter (who wouldn't?) and it's fucking beautiful. Molly seems totally OK with Shane's M.O. Jenny takes the shirt and the letter and hides them in the attic. How V.C. Andrews.

* At the hospital, we get a lesson in Los Angeles gay rights when Bette has a Bette Moment and yells at the front desk lady because she asked for one name on the form. I love Bette Moments!

*Shane runs into, totally by coincident, Niki Poopie Tattooie and her entourage at a restaurant. Jenny texts Niki that she'd love for her to come over. "Does this mean Jenny really loves me?" Niki asks Shane. "I don't know. Maybe. Yes," Shane says. Niki takes off.

*Bette and Tina are buckling in little Angelica and we find out the reading on the thermometer was wrong. Little Angie is safe and sound and sleeping in her carseat.

* "Who the hell lives here?" Alice asks Tasha as they both arrive at a house. Lo and fucking behold it's Papi's house! Papi is back! And she never went anywhere. She in fact, has remained a friend of Tasha and has stopped wearing hats. And is fucking Gabby. And has beer in the fridge for Tasha and Alice to drink while Papi gets down to business. Small world.

* Niki arrives at Jenny's sans entourage. They immediately begin making out, and Jenny is relishing in the fact that (and please, if you didn't figure this out yet, you're not a true L Word fan) she's going to fuck Niki and then kick her ass to the curb. Ah, such is life.

*Wrap up: Alice tells Tasha that she's not ready to lose her. Helena breaks up a fight at the Hit club when she sees Shane taking a shot and decides to join her. Bette and Tina arrive safely home and Bette promises that she will forever be faithful. The ladies all meet up at The Planet and have taken to two different tables: The ones who have been burned and the ones who have burned. Way to shake it up!

6.3 L Word: SRSLY?

Since last episode, we're blazingly aware that yes, it's true: Shane and Jenny have slept together. We see the dog barking on the bed (which Jenny doesn't wake to) and we see the sleepyheads all lovey dovey and it's, um, weird. I had a feeling a long time ago that my "I wonder why Ilene doesn't have Jenny and Shane fall for each other, or at the very least fuck?" Well, silly me, they just did.

Alice shows up at the house to meet with Jenny to get advice about her screenplay. She finds, very soon in, that Shane has slept with Jenny. She texts everyone, who responds probably the same way you did. Except for Kit. Poor Kit. Her cell phone is seen vibrating and she stares at it like it's a hamster on a wheel. "What? A text message?" She is absolutely befuddled and confused by the technology and consequently doesn't read the text. Here's the thing. How, in 2009, is there anyone who is baffled by their cellphones? SRSLY, Ilene? And again, poor Kit.

Meanwhile, Bette has her own shit to deal with. Seems as though Jodi is still vindictive and Phyllis has something to get off her chest. Tom makes a cameo, though that awesomely bad storyline will have to wait until episode four before we get some answers.

Alice actually acts like Good Ol' Alice and it's WONDERFUL. In my mind, I assume that she read my blog posts and figured, heck, I'll do this one small thing for Tres Bien. Anyway, Alice and Tasha are back to being adorable, Alice does something commendable on her talk show (I know, I almost forgot she was on it, too) and will probably pay the price. But you find out later that it's all worth it at the end of the day.

The rest of the clan are both giddy with horror and delightfully confused at what is now Shenny. Shane and Jenny, meanwhile, think only Alice knows (has no one learned that Alice cannot keep anything in?) and think they're acting smooth when one leaves the group for a rendezvous and the other leaves shortly thereafter. Highlight of the ep: Bette's infectious laughter. At everything. And anything. And her inability to quit. But hey, inappropriate laughter is always good.

There's the drama with who-stole-the-movie-film (there's only one copy and it's been stolen), Tina's job is on the line. Come to think of it, Alice, Bette and Tina's jobs are ALL on the line. Cripes, and in this economy? Can't wait for next week, can you?

Oh joy, it's a new season of "The L Word"

So, we weren't going to sign up for Showtime because of many reasons: money, Netflix and god-the-last-season-of-L-Word-was-horseshit. Well, we thought of the other reasons TO get Showtime: Dexter, Weeds and U.S. of Tara (which, by the way, features the cutest little out gay boy in an understanding and tolerant household. I know, bizarre, right?). So we bit the bullet, called Comcast and three days later (two days of waiting for the cable guy to show and not showing and one day of him actually showing hours later than expected and making it happen), we have Showtime!

So, I'm three weeks late on this, but I'll be blogging about The L Word through the eight episodes of Ilene's last homage to Jenny Schecter. Joy.