Welcome to The Crash Pad: prepare to get fisted

So ... lesbian porn, huh?

Confession: I rather like queer porn. I'm fairly confident in stating that I've seen most queer porn that's been out there since the '90s, courtesy of my pervy college buddies and my own need to find out what the fuck our community is doing porn-wise. Also, I just plain like porn. I like some straight porn and nearly all gay boy porn. I love strippers. I love burlesque. I loved On Our Backs until it disappeared into the aether.

The DVD market for lesbo-centered queer porn has been kind of a crapshoot though. I don't love it so much as I support it via an exchange of cash for their product in the vain hope that they'll make something less shitty next time. And so I own nearly everything that's out there by S.I.R. video ("We're currently redecorating" ... for, like, a hundred years) and Pink and White.

The Pink and White folks, as it turns out, have used the plot from The Crash Pad (imagine if you didn't have a place to go to nail the person of your choosing but instead had to go to a sneaky apartment somewhere. Also, someone will be filming your trysts. Ooh, voyeur-tastic!) to create a subscription-based queer porn site called (wait for it) The Crash Pad.

I read about TCP on Fleshbot via Violet Blue. Since Violet Blue makes me die with happiness, I immediately rolled up into that joint and bought an EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE SUBSCRIPTION. Seriously, dudes, that shit is not cheap: my sub totaled out at 75 bucks for 3 months. This didn't seem like a lot of money until I accessed the site to discover that there really wasn't a whole lot of content to access. Compare this to a hetero porn pay-for-access site like Bang Bros where you're paying about the same per month for a huge archive of content and meh ... not so much bang for the buck with TCP, if youknowwhatI'msayin'.

And the content! My sub entitles me to view the photos and the videos (luxury!). If you pay a bit less per month, you can view photos only. But let's be honest: who fucking cares about that?

If you've seen a Pink and White DVD, you probably know what to expect: genderqueer porn with a strong BDSM slant. If you haven't, then brace yerself for strap-ons, gender play, fisting, knife play, tickling, slapping, domination of all sorts, more fisting, anal everything, extra fisting in case you didn't get enough fisting, fisting, mostly butch/FTM tops, fisting, female ejaculation (labeled "squirting" on the site), blowjobs, wrestling, and fisting. There's some fisting involved. Did you get that? Straight up fucking? Um, you might want to maybe go elsewhere.

Wait, where else can you go? Nowhere, right? And that's my issue with TCP: this is IT for regularly updated queer porn online. Please, don't give me any shit about No Fauxxx (incidentally, you fucks wouldn't take my credit card OR the credit cards of any of my friends AND you never answered any of our emails about it. ALSO, your founder is now an actor on TCP) and Cyber Dyke -- the former is almost never updated and the latter wavers between some bullshit Sappho/Goddess fantasy photo shoots, crazy hardcore BDSM vids, and some random other sites in the consortium that haven't been updated since the internet was invented.

You have a whoring monopoly, you guys. For reals. As much as I love to see chicks getting slapped in the face and skull fucked (actually, not so much), I'd also love to see some kind of non-boring, non-BDSM boning. Pretty please?

The cynical side of me says that this is never going to happen. The cynical side of me also says that TCP is going to go straight out of business before it realizes that people won't pay for bi-weekly updates (if that) and content that only caters to a small portion of an already small market.

But who am I to say? You GO, TCP! You go and do your non-monog, non-vanilla sex thang! I'll be over here, quietly contemplating a sub to Suicide Girls, even if it makes me feel kind of queasy.