The truth about something or other, but it's not sex

I'm watching The Truth About Female Desire right now. If the intro is to be believed, then I am in for some kind of campy '70s sitcom about SECKS. There are lots of female symbols floating around, horn music, and various doin'-it-related words rolling about behind photos of the cast members. One of the words? Clitoris. It's really the only one you need to know.

The music is so gawdawful and porny.

The voiceover promises a wide variety of sexual orientations (including "swingers"!) in the group of 8 women who make up the study group. Remains to be seen, but all of the participants are young, thin, and feminine. It's like The Real World, even down to a pimped out apartment, but In The Interest Of Science.

Next: drunken conversations about sex! The introduction of the study team from the Kinsey Institute! The shocking revelation that sexuality studies don't really care too much about women's sexuality! Or even women!

Speaking of women, we have:

- Amy: 23, straight, busted grill, haver of dirty public bus sex.

(And this is intercut with an experiment involving mapping the clitoris with a cool, underwater camera. Surprise: sometimes it's a really tough thing to find.)

- Hannah: 25, straight, sneaky masturbator.

(And here the doctor who is performing the experiment refers to the clitoris as "the part." Nice!)

Blahblahblah, swelling, clitoris, swelling, image maps. Penis drawings. Blahblahblah.

Lots of stupid, probably drunken conversations about heterosex. There is an annoying American women who is annoying and American. Aging vaginas. "Vulva." Plaster casts of vajayjays done by a super-cute, punk rock sculptor.

- Julie: 23, straight, constantly horny but incredibly boring.

- Carlene: 38, straight, married, 5 billion children.

Porn! Women like it! Or not! Carlene? Realllllly likes porn.

Revelation: women are sometimes bisexual. The producers had to get the participants drunk to get them to admit this. Also, Kinsey scaling!

- Kaz: 22, lesbo with shocking lip piercing.

Second revelation: sometimes women get turned on by things that don't match their sexual orientation. Or their species. Just sayin'.

Carlene: kind of a whore.

Blahblahblah, fertility, attraction to men, blahblah, spotting attractiveness of men by touching, that thing about testosterone and finger length.

- Charlie: 26, straight. Surprise.

- Emma: 26, straight. Yawn.

Masculinity, testosterone, symmetry. Kaz shows a preference for masculine features, and we go into some kind of effed up bullshit about gender. The word "femme" shows up.

Inhibition! Fantasy! Dirty porno music! Alcohol: it makes the ladies into whores.

- Andrea: 28, and I'm gonna guess heterosexual.

Drugs! Pheromones! Sexual depressants! Evil trickery regarding the placebo effect.

Submission fantasies ... gah.

Annnnnd: part 4, orgasms. The lesbian has the best description EVER. G-Spot! Ejaculation! Hollllllaaaaaa!

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Well, there you go. 4 hours of a rigid documentary about sex condensed into a nice wall of text. If you've ever had sex with women, or thought about having sex with women a lot, or have read a book about women who have sex, or ARE a woman: total waste of 4 hours of your life.

10xfast: watchin' the bad documentaries so you don't have to do it yourself!