Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not

Dlisted has a Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ro post up regarding if Lohan is a lesbian:

"Even though HoHan is currently doing the labia lambada with SamRo, she doesn't consider herself a full-time lezzie. When asked if she was a lezzzzzzzbian, she said, "No." But when asked if she was bi (wanna try?) she said, 'Maybe. Yeah.' "

I'm fully aware that there are many of you out there who hear this sort of thing and freak the fuck out because you think that the lines shouldn't be blurred or that it somehow reflects badly on you (the hardcore lesbian) because Lohan's lesbianism isn't concrete.

I don't understand it, but I'm aware. And for the record, if you didn't figure it out by this time, I don't care who you date or how you want to be labeled as long as you're true to yourself. Personally, I prefer queer because it's pretty ambiguous and can encompass as much or as little as you'd like it to. For those of you out there who knew in the second grade you were gay: Congrats. I envy you. It took me much, much longer to realize that I liked the ladies. Much longer. Like, decades later. But ultimately, in a perfect world, it wouldn't really matter if you came out after your fifth-grade softball practice or after your third divorce from a dude.

I was 26 when I had my first serious oh-my-god-this-is-amazing-where-have-you-been feeling. I'm a late bloomer, this I know. When tentimesfast and I were getting to know each other, she would tell me stories of her youngish youth and her dalliances and I would be envious. To know that much of yourself when you're that young is something I will always admire.

Now, when I was experiencing said oh-my-god-this-is-amazing-where-have-you-been feeling, I was um, engaged to a dude. And at the time, purposely putting off planning the wedding or actually setting a date. I didn't want to get married and I didn't see a future with this guy, who was and still is (as far as I know) a kind, gentle dude. We just weren't the best pair. And I wanted something more. Which is why every relationship I had had with a guy didn't work out quite the way I wanted it to; because I wanted more. The more being, um, lady parts and lady communication and all around lady-goodness. I just didn't know this yet.

I broke it off with the dude and started dating (albeit long distancely) The Wifey. What followed, you asked? Well, a shitty aftermath with the dude. Realizing this liking girls wasn't a "phase." Coming out. Losing friends. Having to stand up for myself when it felt the whole world was against me. Balancing a relationship against the backdrop of my shaky life. All that and more. I suppose out of all that I expected to lose some friends. After all, a good number were religious. One told me that I should have known how she would have reacted since I knew "how we were raised." Minus the fact that I stood by her during her stupid mistakes with men, the miscarriage no one else knew about and filing for bankruptcy, among many others, this was her take on it. So, fine, I told myself. I have other friends, more progressive and understanding friends, right? Well, sort of. Some were OK with it, but haven't mentioned anything about it since and some are still struggling with acceptance. But what really shook me during this time was one person in particular. She's an ex of tentimesfast, who by this time was my closest friend.

When tentimesfast and her were together (albeit long distancey) one of the many things they'd discuss was me. I didn't mind it, that is until 10xfast would give me commentary from Ex and her "thoughts" on me. Apparently, she was envious that I was getting close to 10xfast and flat out didn't like me. Even though 10xfast would ENSURE Ex that I was indeed not interested in taking her girlfriend away and I was taken, it would fall on deaf ears. Ex would say shitty things about me to 10xfast, who would try to get her onto new subjects but would usually fail. This didn't last for a few weeks, it lasted for months. Ex had never met me, and yet thought that I wasn't really queer or that I was trying to steal her girlfriend.

I suppose I was stupid in thinking that lesbians would welcome me with open arms. Just because I was newly out and would have loved a little bit of support, didn't mean it was going to come in the form of a long distance bitch. I know this now. And if anything, it taught me that I should never follow her "example." Note: There's a very good chance that Ex could possibly read this post, and I hope she does. I hope she realizes that her behavior was pretty cunty and that in the future, it would behoove her to not make the same mistake again. But from the stories I've heard about her since, it sounds as if she's going to be that way forever. Which is sad.

A friend of mine recently told me she's dating a woman, which I already knew about and was somewhat involved in orchestrating. I'm elated. The two of them are happy, amid all the mess that can sometimes surround a new relationship, and I'm proud she's telling important people in her life. It's a beautiful thing when we can move beyond our own shit and be there for our friends.

So, Lindsay: I could care less if you want to stay with Sam or decide to start dating a duder again. It's your deal, not mine and I have no room to judge. (Of course, I love you and Sam together, but again, your decision.)