Long time coming

The Wifey and I decided to go on vacation to Minnesota since we weren't able to get tickets for Thanksgiving (over $600 per ticket? No fucking way) and since taking off time during the "real" holiday time would be damn near impossible. So, we took the first week of December (before it got too cold) to fly to our home state. I'm going to go on a tangent here and say it's great to live far away sometimes — you can pick where you want to live and once you make the big move, it's much easier to move to other places. You can start over if you want, be who you really are or who you really aren't. I love to visit friends and (some) family, but I really enjoy coming back to D.C. Moving on.

So, in a brave move, I decided to visit my parents up north. I hadn't seen them for over a year and a half and felt that it would be a healing move. It was an even harder decision to go by myself while Wifey visited with her family. I made a pact with myself that this visit would be solo — to show my parents that I indeed was alive and well but to establish the line. I drove up and tried to conjure emotion — any emotion — but I couldn't. Save for the ever-growing feeling of numbness. I drank my last sip of gas station coffee and unlocked the trunk to get my suitcase out. Slowly, I walked up the driveway, making snowy prints and knocked on the door. My dad greeted me with a hug and immediately started crying (he's a cryer and probably where I get it from). My mom was smiling really big and when my dad finally let go, she hugged me. I smiled, but it felt fake. Like the smile you smile after you've been crying really hard and someone tries to make you feel better or laugh? That kind.

It was good to see them, but for the first time, I felt like an outsider. Because my mom and I would argue every time we spoke over the phone, the last four months we had communicated strictly through e-mail. Which was probably a good thing, and saved a lot of tears, but left it really easy for one party to ignore the other parties words. I would mention Wifey in almost every e-mail to her because she is a big part of my life and truthfully, there isn't much I do without her that's worth mentioning. My mom would reply, and ignore any girlfriend references. So fine, I get that. And I'll put up with it for awhile. But she was doing this in person too — I'd say anything with the girlfriend mention and my mom would start talking about something else or ignore it. But, again, I'll put up with it. For awhile.

Thing is, I wasn't sure there was ever the right time for the "So, the next time you see me, it will be the both of us or no me at all" conversation. And, consequently, I never got around to it. So, here I am. Weeks later and I haven't talked or e-mailed my mom. I just don't know what to say, where to start or what to do. There seriously needs to be a guide put out for this shit. Welcome to Gay World! Here's your map and guide and rainbow sticker for your car and list of gay-friendly places and places you should never go at night and good gay bars and good (mostly only OK) gay movies, etc. Someone's gay agenda should be to put something like that out there. For the rest of us. Who are winging it every day.

So, that's why the blogging has been a bit on the low side this past month. I've got a lot on my mind and was semi-depressed for a week or so after coming home because of my parents. I just felt alone while there and I missed my girlfriend and I just couldn't relax. It made me sad that this is what the relationship with my parents is reduced to. One day at a time. Or something shitty like that.

Maybe it's just me, maybe it's not

Dlisted has a Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ro post up regarding if Lohan is a lesbian:

"Even though HoHan is currently doing the labia lambada with SamRo, she doesn't consider herself a full-time lezzie. When asked if she was a lezzzzzzzbian, she said, "No." But when asked if she was bi (wanna try?) she said, 'Maybe. Yeah.' "

I'm fully aware that there are many of you out there who hear this sort of thing and freak the fuck out because you think that the lines shouldn't be blurred or that it somehow reflects badly on you (the hardcore lesbian) because Lohan's lesbianism isn't concrete.

I don't understand it, but I'm aware. And for the record, if you didn't figure it out by this time, I don't care who you date or how you want to be labeled as long as you're true to yourself. Personally, I prefer queer because it's pretty ambiguous and can encompass as much or as little as you'd like it to. For those of you out there who knew in the second grade you were gay: Congrats. I envy you. It took me much, much longer to realize that I liked the ladies. Much longer. Like, decades later. But ultimately, in a perfect world, it wouldn't really matter if you came out after your fifth-grade softball practice or after your third divorce from a dude.

I was 26 when I had my first serious oh-my-god-this-is-amazing-where-have-you-been feeling. I'm a late bloomer, this I know. When tentimesfast and I were getting to know each other, she would tell me stories of her youngish youth and her dalliances and I would be envious. To know that much of yourself when you're that young is something I will always admire.

Now, when I was experiencing said oh-my-god-this-is-amazing-where-have-you-been feeling, I was um, engaged to a dude. And at the time, purposely putting off planning the wedding or actually setting a date. I didn't want to get married and I didn't see a future with this guy, who was and still is (as far as I know) a kind, gentle dude. We just weren't the best pair. And I wanted something more. Which is why every relationship I had had with a guy didn't work out quite the way I wanted it to; because I wanted more. The more being, um, lady parts and lady communication and all around lady-goodness. I just didn't know this yet.

I broke it off with the dude and started dating (albeit long distancely) The Wifey. What followed, you asked? Well, a shitty aftermath with the dude. Realizing this liking girls wasn't a "phase." Coming out. Losing friends. Having to stand up for myself when it felt the whole world was against me. Balancing a relationship against the backdrop of my shaky life. All that and more. I suppose out of all that I expected to lose some friends. After all, a good number were religious. One told me that I should have known how she would have reacted since I knew "how we were raised." Minus the fact that I stood by her during her stupid mistakes with men, the miscarriage no one else knew about and filing for bankruptcy, among many others, this was her take on it. So, fine, I told myself. I have other friends, more progressive and understanding friends, right? Well, sort of. Some were OK with it, but haven't mentioned anything about it since and some are still struggling with acceptance. But what really shook me during this time was one person in particular. She's an ex of tentimesfast, who by this time was my closest friend.

When tentimesfast and her were together (albeit long distancey) one of the many things they'd discuss was me. I didn't mind it, that is until 10xfast would give me commentary from Ex and her "thoughts" on me. Apparently, she was envious that I was getting close to 10xfast and flat out didn't like me. Even though 10xfast would ENSURE Ex that I was indeed not interested in taking her girlfriend away and I was taken, it would fall on deaf ears. Ex would say shitty things about me to 10xfast, who would try to get her onto new subjects but would usually fail. This didn't last for a few weeks, it lasted for months. Ex had never met me, and yet thought that I wasn't really queer or that I was trying to steal her girlfriend.

I suppose I was stupid in thinking that lesbians would welcome me with open arms. Just because I was newly out and would have loved a little bit of support, didn't mean it was going to come in the form of a long distance bitch. I know this now. And if anything, it taught me that I should never follow her "example." Note: There's a very good chance that Ex could possibly read this post, and I hope she does. I hope she realizes that her behavior was pretty cunty and that in the future, it would behoove her to not make the same mistake again. But from the stories I've heard about her since, it sounds as if she's going to be that way forever. Which is sad.

A friend of mine recently told me she's dating a woman, which I already knew about and was somewhat involved in orchestrating. I'm elated. The two of them are happy, amid all the mess that can sometimes surround a new relationship, and I'm proud she's telling important people in her life. It's a beautiful thing when we can move beyond our own shit and be there for our friends.

So, Lindsay: I could care less if you want to stay with Sam or decide to start dating a duder again. It's your deal, not mine and I have no room to judge. (Of course, I love you and Sam together, but again, your decision.)

I'm going to say it again

If you haven't seen "For The Bible Tells Me So," the documentary about the clash between homosexuality and religion, do so. Or, at least watch the awesome preview below and think about it. I've said before, I grew up Baptist, not Southern Baptist (the "liberal cousin," as Baptists call them) and I've seen first-hand the fear and anger that comes from preachers at the pulpit. If you grew up the same way, you know the fear and baggage that comes with hearing something so many times and trying to find your way — truthfully — out of it. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with how I feel about everything and how to find my way out of it.

Taking it thirteen steps in the wrong direction, Focus on the Family is still touting it's "Love Won Out" shit. From the Denver Post:

"Focus on the Family founder and psychologist James Dobson has said that homosexuality is a disorder, despite the contrary opinion reached by the American Psychiatric Association in 1973. Dobson also said there is no conclusive evidence that homosexuality is inherited, although he concedes there might be a biological predisposition. Dobson said there are more than 800 known former gay and lesbian individuals who have found "wholeness in their newfound heterosexuality.'"

Even beyond that, Tyra Banks is looking for ex-gays for an upcoming show. Ah, the delights in daytime television never quite stop, do they?

Marriage is between party A and party B. Oh, the horror!

Ah, the joy in watching this video and then reading this reaction over at Huffingtonpost.com. Watch out heteros, if gays are allowed to marry — and stay married, that means you, California — the world will end! Take a looky at this vid and promise me you'll head here to read the sarcastic answer. It's too delightful not too. Like a surprise cupcake!

Cha-cha-changes

Many of you may have noticed a bit of a different feel of Ladies Who Munch as of late. Well, even if you haven't, stay tuned.

Tentimesfast has indeed moved further into the bowels of Virginia, leaving me to hold down the fort for the greater Washington D.C. metro area. I'm hoping she'll contribute a few times a month, but I'm looking for someone (or many someones) to blog with me more often.

You don't have to live in the area, because it would be great to get different perspectives, but if you do live nearby, I'd love to hear from you, too. You can write just once, if something is really on your mind, or as often as you'd like, given our agreement. You can e-mail me at trestresfast@gmail.com if you're interested.

Savage to Palin: I can be your gay friend

I love, love, love Dan Savage. His column, "Savage Love" continues to intrigue and scare me (usually both) and I've read at least one of his books, "The Kid: What Happened When My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant." It's good. I plan of reading his other ones, soon. Anyway, I love his message to Sarah Palin. He's concerned by the apparent lack of sex education in the family and wants to help out. Bless his gay heart.

Sykes: Knock it off

Love her.

bitch needs help!

It's times like these that I wish I had a list of names so I could hold a fundraising party at my place. I LOVE entertaining and doing it for a good cause is even more fun. But since I have yet to reach Power Lesbian Status, I'm just going to have to settle for posting a vid from teh ladies at bitch.

Queer love for the biopic

Months ago I read about Gus Van Sant's Harvey Milk biopic "Milk." Milk was the first openly gay duder elected to political office in San Francisco in the late 70s. It's on my list to see at the theater, and it comes out December 5. I love, love, love movies about real-life gays like WHOA.
So who's with me? I'll buy the popcorn. You get the Milk Duds.

Rural

I blogged earlier about going home to Minnesota for my class reunion and to visit people I haven't seen in a long time. The overall trip was awesome. The class reunion was what I expected, for the most part. Seeing people who have changed a lot and at least one who hadn't changed at all. Seeing the same mannerisms in people, now with 3.5 kids; or seeing physical attributes in the kids was even stranger.

One thing that I didn't do was visit my parents. I was in the area, but never planned on stopping by, as things with them has been stressful and chaotic to say the least. I've talked to my mom twice since then and explained that as long as The Wifey isn't welcome in her home, I won't step foot in it. It's difficult to know when you need to put your foot down and when to step away and let the other person in a bit, but this was one topic I couldn't compromise on. And I made that very clear. We're both very stubborn women, thanks genetics!

My mother's newest idea is to take "baby steps," meaning her and I can talk or exchange e-mails every so often. The other catch is that I don't "throw it in her face." Since I've always been PG or PG-13 with my mom on everything, I asked her to clarify. "Well," she said. "You know that I don't like to hear about you drinking, or that you got drunk or that you are drinking wine." So, I said, you think that I rub it in your face? I thought back to our conversations. I included TW in it, though the most I said about her and I was that we were mulling a small trip to Virginia Beach. "Well, you said that you two were thinking of taking a long weekend together."

Wait, hold up.

THAT was shoving it in her face? Do I have my work cut out for me, or what?

The bottom line is that she mostly feels as though she's going through this all by herself. My dad remains mum on the subject and she's adamantly said that a PFLAG meeting is out of the question. It may seem as though I'm all over the board on this post, but I promise that I'm getting somewhere. And that somewhere is here: For those of us who have parents who live in rural areas, with all the assumed stereotypes, who don't know another gay person, what can we do to help them? I've been so submerged in my life, and being out at work, out to people in my life, out in general that it's difficult for me to imagine not knowing another gay person or knowing how to wrap my mind around it all, from a thousand miles away. Tentimesfast also has parents who live in a rural area and we've talked a bit about the subject. It took her mom about six years to come around and her advice to me was to be patient, though it's hard not to want to slam the door until she comes around.

I know I'm not the only one who is going through something like that, and I certainly won't be the last. It's really hard to be this estranged and to not know which step to take next. I'm going to try harder to understand where she's coming from, and in turn I hopes she does the same.

No looky-loos, please

I LOVE this story about tourists gawking at the queers in San Francisco. The article talks about how San Fran has always been known to be a touristy area, but the stickler here folks, is that now buses actually drop loads of heteros (and maybe some closeted inquiring gays) off in packs in the Castro district and then picks them up after they've had ample time to hold hands (scare off the lesbians!), take photos (Oh, Bernice, you should have seen this one gay guy, hold on, I have some pics) and well, basically touch and not buy at local delis and restaurants, because you know, San Fran is expensive, it's much cheaper to take shots of the place and pretend to everyone back home you ate there.

As if you weren't aware

Ellen and Portia wed this Saturday in California. Yay! I've always loved weddings: the cake, the drinking, the dancing, the toasts, the DRESSES. It's a big fat excuse to make a day all about you and your honey and I hope, someday, fingers crossed, I'll get to share my big day with The Wifey. (Shh, don't tell her yet.)

We're still here...

I've blogged about genetic studies about homosexuality before, thanks to Olive Skene Johnson and her fantastic book. Anyway, Slate has an interesting article about the reason homosexuality hasn't evolved itself out. Because when you think about, if roughly 10 percent of the population is queer now, we should be dwindling in numbers since The Beginning Of Time, right? Evolution has shown that natural selection's main goal is to procreate. And procreate. (And, some of those Procreators take that a little too much to heart. *CoughDuggarsCough*)

The article's focus is on duders, but they site a female study that relies on nongenetic factors, but I warn, unless you're super interested in dry medically defining text, you'd be better suited for Curve magazine.

Following your heart

One of the reasons I love reading Slate's Dear Prudence articles is because Emily Yoffe is succinct, strong and sufficient. She gives it to you straight, with no bull shit, and I believe she leaves a mass of better-natured humans in her wake.

In the most recent edition, she dishes advice to a lesbian who has less-than-understanding parents. The woman is in a two-year relationship with someone she loves very much and her parents have given her the "we still love you but don't you dare bring her or your lifestyle to our home" crap. Enter Prudence (scroll down a bit):

"Dear Out,
Your parents have gotten to live their own lives, but they don't get to live yours. You are an adult, so stop quavering when they make ridiculous demands and put outrageous restrictions on you. Refuse to accept your parents' edict that the woman you love has to be treated like an embarrassment. ... It's time to explain to your parents that your girlfriend is part of your life and needs to be included by your family. Let them know that if they want to see you for family events, then they will have to welcome her. It can be amazing how much people are able to change when they realize they can no longer push you around."

It makes me feel a lot better about how I've been handling the situation with my parents, which is to say I'm at the point now where I'm better off mentally if they don't contact me. Could that change? I hope so, but we've both sort of dug our heels in (mine are sexy stilettos) and aren't budging. And I'm taking Prudence's last line to heart.

Restraint

Recently, a anonymous person, we'll call him or her Degenerate, posted a comment in my recent "A bit about language" posting. This led to tenstimesfast hitting Degenerate where it counts and calling out a good many number of things, which then led to Degenerate posting an additional comment.

I was upset when I read Degenerate's comments, but the overwhelming emotion was sadness. The aching kind that leaves me wondering if Degenerate didn't get enough hugs as a child or if Degenerate is uneducated enough to not quite get that commenting on a queer blog and attacking the blogger is parallel to walking into a bakery full of customers and throwing muffins at the baker. We're surrounded by people who love and understand us here and you are the forever outsider. You can't hurt us with our own words. Calling us homos is awesome. I'm always looking to find ways so people don't mistake me for a hetero. You did us a favor.

I love blogging, actually, I love queer blogging and reading other queer blogs. And whenever I would read a comment similar to the one Degenerate left, I keep reading. It gets me to read more. It's like free advertising for the LGBT set. You see, we've been dealing with Degenerate's kind all our lives in one way or another and leaving a comment hidden behind a false identity doesn't scathe us in any way. It only proves how much work needs to be done promoting equality and tolerance and makes me want to throw money at the HRC and PFLAG.

Now I've worked up an appetite. I'm heading to McDonalds, anyone want anything?

Still far to go

I'm not sure how many of you paid attention to Thomas Beatie, the pregnant man, who gave birth in early July. The Wifey and I watched the Oprah special about him and his wife, Nancy, and per usual, were disgusted and surprised by Oprah's child-like curiousity about the pregnancy, hormones, facial hair and yes, the clitoris. But during the show, we both knew that the media would take this and strangle it to death, and it did. Not that that was the total fault of the media. Beatie was eager to share his story with almost any media outlet that was prepared for the answers and so the story was bigger than his growing belly.

Salon has an interesting piece on Beatie and the media that was written before Beatie gave birth and goes into detail about what was missing from the whole ordeal — respect for transgendered people.

I'll have a Fish Filet with large fry, please

So, I'm not going to lie. I love me some McDonald's. I could have probably gone to college with all the money I've spent over my lifetime there. It sustained me during high school and gave me (free) smiles during college. And today, I try to only go once a week — if that — but only as a reward of sorts or when I'm having a shitty day, which, looking at that could happen like every day.

Anyway, me getting cravings for delicious Fish Filets (lesbian delicacy anyone?) is not the point of this post, this is: the American Family Association is calling for a McDonalds boycott because the company is gay-friendly. Ahem:

"McDonald's has signed on to a nationwide effort to promote "gay" and "lesbian" business ventures. According to McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner, McDonald's will aggressively promote the homosexual agenda. In remarks on McDonald's Web site concerning the company becoming a member of the National Gay & Lesbian Chamber of Commerce (NGLCC), Skinner wrote: "Being a socially responsible organization is a fundamental part of who we are. We have an obligation to use our size and resources to make a difference in the world...and we do."

So, essentially, we gays need to do our part and nom nom our way through Mickey Dee's fantastic menu. And I love when they say "gay agenda" as though it's a part-time job of mine. Hmm. Apple pies anyone?

'Boys Don't Cry' killer in death row pickle

Regardless of how you feel about capital punishment and how those are set to die on death row, this story on CNN about John Lotter is interesting because:


"TECUMSEH, Nebraska (AP) -- For more than 10 years, John Lotter has faced death in Nebraska's electric chair for the grisly 1993 triple murder that spawned the movie "Boys Don't Cry." But the state Supreme Court made that sentence uncertain for Lotter and the nine other men on death row in its February ruling that electrocution — Nebraska's only means of execution — is cruel and unusual punishment."

(If you don't remember three people dying in the film, you're correct. They only portray two, Brandon Teena and Lisa Lambert. Philip Devine, Lana's sister Leslie's boyfriend, also was murdered. He wasn't included in the film at all.)