1.31.2008

Just when you thought it was safe to buy some HRC chapstick

Someone goes and robs the Human Right's Campaign's Action Center and Store.

"An unidentified gunman on Jan. 18 bound and blind-folded an employee at the Human Rights Campaign’s Action Center and Store near Dupont Circle after hitting him repeatedly in the head with a pistol and forcing him to turn over money from a cash register and safe, according to a D.C. police report."

It's not billed as a hate crime, though the lone store employee was beaten before passing out while the gunman took $400 from the safe. Sometimes I hate people.

Thanks Washington Blade.


1.30.2008

Speaking of big Ds

Okay, so I finally got a chance to see Cloverfield this weekend after a full week of whining to Punk Rock Femme about how I rillyrillyrilly wanted to see it and how it would be The Greatest Movie Ever. It was going to be a monster film for the 00s, or the second coming of The Blair Witch Project, right?

Not so much.

It was kind of ehhhhhhhh. I tuned out about halfway through it and spent my time snarking to PRF about various stuff. I know how to ruin a movie for people if I don't like it!

Still, there was a character in Cloverfield that caught my eye and PRF's eye. Marlena! She's sort of heavily featured in the pre-gigantic-amounts-of-action buildup in a way that makes you think that she'll be a big deal later (and she kind of is. Spoiler! Boom!).

PRF and I both agreed that she looked really familar. At one point, I remember saying that she looked familiar not in the "have I seen her in another film" (that film would be Mean Girls, incidentally) way but in the "it's possible that I've met her somewhere" way. And I just figured it out.

Marlena looks like Shane from The L Word. It's not that I maybe met the actress who played Marlena at some random house party, it's that she totally looks like a girly, Brooklyn hipster version of Shane. She even has lady Shane hair!

Don't believe me? Check out the video at DreadCentral. Shane. With just a touch more eye makeup.

Bye bye love

The Ditty Bops play silly, fun, folky music while simultaneously being a smoking hot couple. Did I just objectify them? I'm sorry.

And, um, this marks the last time for a while that I will throw something folky into these semi-weekly queer music mixes. I'm trying to take a break before I start busting out the Ani albums and the natural deodorant.

Props to the ladies of The Ditty Bops for maintaining a pretty long lesbo relationship while touring and being attractive lust objects for homos everywhere! Maybe they've been taking lessons from Mates of State?

I heart celesbians

So, Julie Goldman is now interviewing famous Ds on AfterEllen and it's gut-spillingly funny.

I meant to post something about this when the first interview went up, because it was with Kate McKinnon. Kate McKinnon ... what else can I say? I've had an inappropriate celesbian crush on her since AfterEllen first started posting clips of The Big Gay Sketch Show.

Funny, girly, smart, blonde. What else is there? She's actually replaced my long-running, inappropriate, Idon'tthinkshe'salesbianisshe celebrity crush of, like, 5+ years: Sarah Vowell. That one I really can't explain, although I will say that there's something very appealing about the combination of the supremely nerdy girl who's also super snarky that just rocks my socks.

Which brings me to this, dear readers: if you have an inappropriate crush, now's the time to confess it via the comment field. I kind of feel like my multi-year infatuation with Sarah Vowell will win, but hey, hit me with your best shot!

Is shaggy the new fauxhawk?

My girlfriend says that it is. Since she's now been given full creative license* over my hair**, I certainly hope that she's right.

I kind of miss my fauxhawk but honestly, I had it for about 2 years. Isn't it time to let it die a quiet, dignified death?

Right now, I've got this shaggy emo thing going on. I'm practically sporting the Emo Forelock. I'm not sure if this is acceptable, but what the hell: guys do it! Tall, thin guys in skinny jeans ... but dudes nonetheless!



*Punk Rock Femme: Unlicensed hairstylist to the queer population of Richmond, Virginia!

**Within reason.

1.29.2008

Don't like lesbian? Try Gayelle on for size

This is a bit old, but Dlisted has an interesting post about a supposed new underground movement. Apparently, lesbians didn't like being called lesbians and decided to add yet another term to the soup. I'm not sure what I think, because my beef is with the word partner and not lesbian, but heck, that's another blog post for another day. Gayelle just sounds sort of weird.

You can check out all the goodness on the actual site here.

1.28.2008

L stands for Let's get it on! 5.4

Finally, the fourth ep brought on the sweet, the salty and the sublime. Just when I was ready to give up on this season, you had me at hot girls trying out for Jenny's movie, promise of a Bette/Tina reuniting kiss and Shane getting it on. Again. Here's more points of interest:

* Jodi and Bette's apparent ever-dissolving love. Sigh.

* Shane going a bit nuts. And not pulling that hockey hair back when she's working out or learning self-defense. I want to flick a hairbander at her. Though, my aim isn't so great.

* Max dancing awkwardly with Tom at SheBar. And then Jodi signing to Bette that Tom just really wants a boyfriend. So, you're telling me that the extremely attractive, semi-artsy, salt-and-pepper hottie cannot find a boyfriend? Is it all the lesbians he's been hanging out with? Is it ... is it ... well, what is it? The need for him to fall for Max? I'm not so hot on that storyline, but we'll see.

* Tina tires of Brenda (Angel Food Cake) already. Did you see how out of breath Tina was after they were done dancing? And we find out she's a heart surgeon or something? May explain the "spread your legs" medical-sounding vernacular she used in 5.3.

* The not-so-suave Shane-nab by Shebar's owners. And the subsequent threeway in the VP lounge. I wonder if that would ever happen around here. And from previews for next week, Shane is over her minute of celibacy and back into every pair of panties she can get into. Lesbian drama for the WIN!

*Bette's hand grab and kiss of Tina. I actually cheered. Who have I become? But this stuff is finally getting exciting.

1.27.2008

L stands for Let's stop dropping acid 5.3

OK, so I've been deeply negligent on blogging this week, but my computer was massively, violently attacked by spyware and adware. Like, it's disgusting. I hate Internet Explorer (my family calls it Internet Exploder) so much right now I could blog entirely about that, but I won't. Instead, I'll offer a pathetic and belated apology and give you some points on last week's L Word.

* Grace! Grace is back! And giving gay dude advice to Max!

*Seriously, where's Papi?

* How pissed was Bette when Jodi's best duder friend dumped her ass into the lake? Wifey and I were squirming on the couch, practically hiding behind blankets because No Body Messes With Bette. And if they do, There. Will. Be. Hell. To. Pay.

* Shane kisses Helena. Out of the blue, practically in mid-sentence. So this whole giving up sex and becoming a different, better person has made her wildly kiss her pals? Hasn't she been "clean" for like, a minute? C'mon Shane, get it together.

* The absurd and confusing opening scene that could have been cool, had it not been botched by gaydar guns (among other things) that couldn't tell whether Jenny is gay or straight. Is that part of a bigger storyline? Are we supposed to give it much thought? I guess the chick who came up with it had something cool in mind, then Ilene got a hold of it, and well, we all are very aware of when Chaiken gets a hold of something. (She mashes it with her hands and mixes it with potato chips.)

* Odd first-date sex between Tina and her new little pancake. Well, pancake isn't the cutesy word I should be using. How about Angel Food Cake. We're introduced to New Lesbian in a you-have-fake-boobs? introductory fashion. "Spread your legs." Enough said.

* Tasha and Alice. Will they ever get past this and be happy once again? I hope so. Remember in season four when Shane called Tasha Alice's "angry friend"?

1.23.2008

She wants to be a deity

For the purposes of this entry, I'm gonna go ahead and treat OTEP as if its only member is Otep Shamaya. I realize that it's Otep Shamaya and a bunch of other folks functioning as a band and all, but are those other members big dykes? No, they are not.

So, a little personal information on how I happened across OTEP. I work an odd shift as a web nerd and most of my night is just me hanging out by myself in a large office doing web geekery. However, part of my night is me hanging out in a bullpen-style office with some really loud co-workers. I'm not especially social when I'm trying to do my nerd stuff, so the solution is to combine headphones with some insanely loud music.

One day, OTEP came up on Pandora, and I really liked it for its co-worker-drowning-out properties. I made myself a long, tasty SeeqPod playlist of OTEP and thus, a musical crush was born.

I passed along my interest in OTEP to The Housemate's Boyfriend, who is a big fan of metal and hardcore and anything screamy/loud. In fact, he's the dude who turned me on to Walls of Jericho, who were the seed band in the Pandora playlist that gave me OTEP.

We had a conversation:

Me: ... and they have a chick singer. She totally sounds like a dude!
HB [who is, in fact, Egyptian] : Otep? Is she Egyptian?
Me: Nope, I think she's just a boring white girl who has a cool name.

From reading Otep Shamaya's Wikipedia entry, I'd say that's probably true.

Aside from being notorious for her style of confessional writing, little else is known about Otep Shamaya's personal life and background. She grew up in a near ghetto area of L.A. Personal details such as her age are unknown to the general public. To interviewers, she has given her age as "five lifetimes old." It has been said her birthdate is Nov. 7, 1979. Though some have speculated otherwise, she insists that the name on her birth certificate is Otep. Though she has never directly confirmed such, in many of her songs and poems she has alluded to having had a tumultuous and traumatic childhood riddled with abuse, (both physical and emotional). However in an interview on AfterEllen.com she has confirmed that she is, in fact, an out lesbian.


"Five lifetimes old." Pardon me while I snicker, okay? My fun guess is that she's really the wayward daughter of some Mt. Holyoke English professors and that her real name is, like, Melissa Higgenbottom. Still, it's fun, angry, loud music.

Go love it. Or hate it. But wear the noise-canceling headphones while you do it, a'ight?

Dear Hipster Girl who was confused by my gender in a bar bathroom

Let's have a chat, shall we?

When you followed me into the restroom at an unnamed bar in a medium-sized city chock-full of hipsters who are supposed to be, you know, hip and such, I wasn't expecting the thing that came out of your mouth. I am used to hipster girls. I date them, I am friends with them, I work with them. I expect them to do their usual hipster girl thing, which is to be worldly and cool and not at all impacted by difference. You are probably supposed to embrace difference.

This is why I did not expect the following stupid thing to come out of your mouth when the door closed:

"Is this the women's bathroom?"

I also did not expect you to say the other stupid thing that you said when I closed the stall door:

"Oh, like that's never happened to you before!"

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha! Also: true! It has happened to me before. Not enough to have made me so wary of public restrooms that I would avoid them, but enough.

When I left the restroom and related your verbal numbnuttery to Punk Rock Femme, she got kind of surly. She wanted to have a Teaching Moment (tm) with you. I'm not sure what that would have entailed, but judging by the look on her face, it probably wouldn't have been very pleasant. I'm guessing that the Teaching Moment (tm) might have resulted in The Cops Coming (tm).

Just so you know, Hipster Girl, your restroom weirdness made me uncomfortable in a space where I was just fine before. It made me expect a fun, random piece of homophobic violence from the dudes in the bar. It made me question why the fuck you weren't able to use contextual clues to determine which restroom you were in, instead of blurting out some uncultured, cracked up bullshit like you had Gender Tourette Syndrome.

It also made me want to punch you into next week, Hipster Girl. Good thing for you that I was sober, huh?

xoxo,
10xfast

1.18.2008

Subtly

So all your questions will be answered. Or not. But at least Illene explains how bonkers we all are for not understanding how Jenny got out of that raft.

Frankly, I'm not sure what to say

I'm behind on this, but Velvetpark has a video interview with Le Tigre, aka The Best Band in the World. I almost dissolved when rumors of the band's breakup were swirling, and though this interview does absolutely nothing to dispel the aforementioned rumors, it's swell to see the band members are still, at the very least, hanging out together.

In a sort of strange interview, you'll find out that Jo has a hair salon in NYC (which, the next time Wifey and I are in Manhattan, we're totally going to find our way there.) Also, JD and Jo are DJing. Kathleen is still, well, a queer icon.

I love the part toward the end where a dude (?) walks almost right in the middle of the circle, because that would be me. I'm notorious for walking into people's photos and when you live near D.C., it's almost hard not to find yourself in the Smith's 2008 Washington, D.C. family vacation photos.

I have to admit

I'm not that big of a fan of Lesbians on Ecstasy. It's sort of one of those bands that fall into the category of "I'd really, really like to, I just don't." Kings of Leon and the Beatles are also in that grouping. That's right, I don't like the Beatles. But my taste of music isn't what this post is about.

Girlfriend is a homo posted this video of Lesbians on Ecstasy's "Sisters in the Struggle" and it's a bit archaic, to say the least. But, it reminds of one of my friends from back home when I was a barista at the best coffee shop ever. She took photos of trees and explained them as "vaginal." Which = awesome and there are a wicked ton of similar vaginal tree shots in this video.

So, enjoy. And, if you ever find yourself in Mankato, Minnesota, ask around and find the Coffee Hag. You'll find more friendly faces than you could ever imagine, a welcoming place to sit, read, chat or write. And if it's still on the menu, you have to try the roasted red pepper hummus or the Thai Sesame Salad. It's to die for. Get an iced Thai to balance it out and take a shot of espresso on your way out the door. It's cold there. Yes, I'm shameless and still haven't found a decent cup of coffee since moving out east.

I have the plague

My apologies for not posting more often this week. You see, I have the plague, brought to me by Punk Rock Femme from southern Virginia last weekend.

Oh, it kills! I am generally immune to the office cold or the friend cold or the family cold, but this one nabbed me. And so I am now whiny, sick, and a terror to everyone around me.

I feel terrible when I neglect my posting duties for the week, so here you go: sorry, pimpsicles! I'll be back on my regular late night posting frenzy soon.

Also, I'd just like to say this: 24-hour Sudafed? Is bullshit. The 87 years I spent having a pharmacist verify my driver's license and whatnot made me feel a little better, 'cause hey, pseudoephedrine makes the world go 'round, right? FUCK 24-hour Sudafed. That is all.

1.16.2008

Just when you thought the vagina couldn't get any bigger

Eve Ensler and crew will be there. New Orleans and the Gulf South residents will be there. Will you? I ask of you, who doesn't want to walk through a giant vagina? Think about it.


April 11 and 12 will find the Louisiana Superdome interior turned into a pink and red vagina -- "with a big vagina entrance," Ensler said -- as a setting for performance events, parties, parades, workshops, wellness and education programs, speakers, even spa treatments, which will be free to residents of New Orleans and the Gulf South. (Men are excluded only from the spa.)

Thanks feministing.

1.15.2008

L stands for Let's Get Real, Ladies 5.2

Let's first begin with post with three minutes of silence in honor of those who didn't return to season five with no explanation:

Papi and Grace. I KNOW that no one really liked Papi (was it just the hats?) and Grace's only purpose, it seemed, was to ensure Max that he could keep his girl bits and still be who he is. But, they at the very least deserve a three- or four-word sentence to let us know where the hell they went. How's this:

"Papi left with Grace."

Okay, begin the silence part now. (Only keep reading if it's been three minutes OR you don't care to wait.)

On to the episode at large, which should have been called "Shane's Back!" Some more points of (non) interest:

* Phyllis and Joyce. Okay, we get it. Phyllis wants to play the field and Joyce won't take her shortly, smartly manicured hands off of her.

* The utter lack of chemistry between Alice and Tasha. AND the strange dialogue between them. And where's the makeup sex after a big argument? Eh.

* Let's skip Jenny's new puppy until next week; I see Adele is slotted for six episodes, puh-lenty of time for Jenny to either ruin her or sleep with her.

* Shane getting it on not once, or twice, but three times, making her *quite* the lady.

* The abrupt shot of the prison shower, complete with camera panning and nudity I neither was prepared to see nor wanted to see. Ever again. Please, never again. Kudos to Illene for keeping it real and not using lingerie models but no thanks for the images burned into my retinas.

Friennnnnnnnnds

If you use Goodreads or Last.fm, and you read this blog ... say, why not friend us?

We're hurting on the Goodreads front with only one lonely friend on the list.

We have separate accounts on Last.fm. I'm Squishbot (nice to meet you!); come and friend me so that I can check out yer charts for new stuff to buy! Tres Bien lives on Last.fm as Owlyowl.

Say hi sometime?

Queerworm: The Blow - Parentheses

Khaela Maricich: big ol' D, maker of electronica as one half (and now only half/whole) of The Blow.

Go on and love the kind of crappy video for "Parentheses", which is weird and animated and gets all meta at the end with a YouTube reference. Catchiest chorus ever ... why else would it be hanging around in my head all day?

Oh, Tristan

Many things that follow will not be safe for work. NSFW Alert!

After making an emergency purchase at Babeland recently, I discovered that there's a film version of Tristan Taormino's Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women.

Long story short, I now own the film version as a happy companion to the book. And this, my friends, will lead to a review in due time.

I say "in due time" because OHMYGOD, THIS FILM IS SO LONG. I am approximately 20 minutes into the 3 hours of sexin', and I have to say: not especially impressed so far. There are: lots of white people, dudes, a number of fake-titted porn ladies, a number of fake-tanned porn dudes (see: dudes!), and a camera guy who does that "I'm breaking the wall and talking to the actors" thing that I hate when I watch porn.

Looks to be terrible! I'm not sure how they pull off the instructional element when the film features people who fuck for a living getting fucked. It's a film that's coming up on a 10-year anniversary though, so I'll cut it some slack. But hey, Nina Hartley is in it! That's something.

4 things: The L Word 5.2

The turnaround on YouTube L Wordiness is much faster this season, which means that I can safely watch new episodes in 10 minute chunks a mere 18 hours after a new episode airs! Yay for semi-piracy!

Four things about episode 5.2:

1.) Is Shane ... strapping it on in one of her 685 sex scenes in this episode? I was watching on, you know, a tiny YouTube screen, so it was hard to tell (hee: hard).

2.) Jenny + Katie Holmes = same person? They're starting to look alike, at least on YouTube.

3.) Prison sex! Prison sex! Prison sex! Many naked women in a shower! Prison sex!

4.) In 50 words or less, someone please tell me what is so goddamn appealing about Shane that she can conjure up 685 ladies for sexin' in one episode. Granted, she's not even remotely my type, but uhhh, for reals, I wanna know how it happens that anyone wants to hit it with ye olde shaggy haire.

1.14.2008

I wanna commitment ceremony you



Nothing would make me happier than Julie Goldman and Kate McKinnon having sarcastic gay babies together. Make it happen!

1.12.2008

I've got yer new car here

Tentimesfast has been searching for the perfect car to suit her needs and has often been on the Mini Cooper train, but has been turned off by the price tag. Well, dear (she hates when I call her names like that) if you ever end up in India, I've got the perfect car for you. And, it's only $2,500!

Granted, you could only fit PRF and two other queerly queer folks in it (one better be me because this ride looks sweet!) and there's only one windshield wiper, but hey, I still think this car is neat as fuck. Oh, for all you sweaty kids out there (I'm so including myself in that group) to get air conditioning, you have to purchase the deluxe version.

I'd even *think* of trading in my beloved Scion xA. I said I'd think about it.

1.11.2008

Up for discussion

I was chatting with someone a few days ago and was asked, "Are you out at work?"

I paused and made that confused face with the scrunchy lips. "Yes?"

Here's the thing. How do you come out at work and after that, how do you know you're out at work? I'm not about to drape a rainbow flag over my cubicle, I'm not yet working at a diverse pro-LGBT company and the dress code has me refraining from wearing this or this. Though, perhaps on casual Friday, I could throw the hot tank on under my pant suit. Perhaps.And I do have a sweet silver necklace that says "girls." Hmm.

But moving on. So aside from telling my closer coworkers I'm queer, and having a few louder discussions about our hotties with tentimesfast, how else am I supposed to come out at work? Mass e-mail? Let's peer into THAT future:

"Dear Sirs, Ma'ams, Peeps,

I'm a big bad queer. The ones your mommas warned you about (see ladieswhomunch.blogspot.com for more info).

Thanks,

Tres Bien"

I'm pretty sure that isn't the way.

1.10.2008

Fun with server logs: The "are we a porn site?" edition

Server logs are the window to the blogular soul. Apparently, we have posted enough dirty stuff that our soul is, like, wicked filthy.

A selection of awesome search terms that have led visitors to LWM in the last month:

* hot butch: We are still kickin' it with this one! I hope you find what you're looking for, you seekers of attractive butches.

* butch action: As far as I can tell, we don't have any of that. But I commend you for your interest.

* "hate beth ditto": Hee-hee. Word. I kind of hope that actual Beth Ditto typed that into a search engine.

* "kate moennig's hair": Is awful. Still.

* "the l word" "finger length": What? Someone's trying to find out if they're gaaaaaaay!

* "truth about female desire" whores: And someone is super fucking bitter.

* butch on butch action: OHMYGOD, you have no idea how many people agree with you. There's a film I can maybe show you someday ...

* clitoris munch: Errrr, it's actually "Ladies Who Munch", ya heard?

* ftm fisting: Holla!

* gay ass clothes: I ... hmm. I know where we said that, but maybe we didn't use it how you were hoping?

* ladies of munch: Ladies Who Munch. It's not that hard.

* ladies who munch: There you go!

* oil wrestling ladies: See "L Word, The"

* transdude: Hee, it's my new favorite term! Although I'd rather say "transduder."

Maryland: possibly maybe about to enter the 21st century

Hey! Maryland might do something rad:

Equality Maryland is “fairly close” to meeting its goal of lining up 35 House and Senate cosponsors for the Religious Freedom & Civil Marriage Protection Act, according to Carrie Evans, the group’s policy director.


...

Tentatively slated for introduction Jan. 15, the Religious Freedom & Civil Marriage Protection Act would make valid marriages of “two people.”

Sponsored in the Senate by Sen. Gwendolyn Britt (D-Prince George’s County) and in the House by Dels. Victor Ramirez (D-Prince George’s County) and Benjamin Barnes (D-Anne Arundel and Prince George’s counties), the act also makes clear that churches may continue to choose whom to marry.


Well, how-ya-fuckin'-do, Maryland!

I love the idea of churches staying the eff out of the whole deal. They generally don't want me up in their God box, and I tend to stay away from their God box in return. In fact, I haven't been in a church since I was about 4, and every single (heterosexual!) person in my surly, redneck family in the last two generations has been married in a nice, godless civil ceremony, thanksverymuch.

[Via WashBlade]

Your queer gender in bottle cap form: an explanation

When Punk Rock Femme at last gained entry to my shower, she emerged with the following bit of wisdom: "Your people always leave the caps off on stuff in the shower." I ... we do? I kind of imagined hordes of butch-identified folks frantically uncapping bottles because, you know, it's part of our gender manifesto (I would like to think that it's written by Jack Halberstam!).

---

Here's the thing, you guys. I don't really do the cap thing because I'm a messy bastard (full disclosure: I really am a messy bastard). I do it because my shower is wicked unpredictable. The hottest shower ever can turn into the coldest shower ever in the span of about 5 seconds. I get a warning blast of lukewarm water for those 5 seconds, and that's my warning to get out now.

Given my interest in making my time in the shower as efficient as possible, everything is uncapped. I don't care how expensive my rad new shampoo might be ... the motherfucking cap is open. The two seconds that I might spend uncapping that joint are a waste when you consider the manic nature of the upstairs bathroom in the 10xfast household.

Now that I've explained, I'm giving you the screenshot to preserve the fact that my people (or, at least, the most efficient bathers among us) are in the lead:



Represent, my brothers! Or sisters! Or my really-fast-at-showering brothers/sisters!

Like the Shangri-Las, only not at all

Quick, name your favorite band that's named after a Smiths song. Wait: not Pretty Girls Make Graves. Pick another one. Okay, you're supposed to say Girl in a Coma (like "Girlfriend in a Coma," get it? Get it?), but I'll forgive you for not knowing.

GIAC sport an out bass player in Jenn Alva and have this huge, summery sound that's a tiny bit priceless. Blast it with the windows down when you're having unseasonable, oh-hi-what-is-up-global-warming weather.

Bonus Round: I think I may love GIAC just a tiny bit more because they actually get compared to bands that have members of the dude variety. I don't ask for much, but I do ask that people who write about music for a living are able to get over the initial ZOMG A BAND THAT HAS ONLY THE WIMMENS shock enough to make an aural comparison that's based on something other than, you know, chromosomes.

Listen and love, just don't compare them to The Supremes:



Watch 'em in the video for "Say":

1.08.2008

In which Blogspot gets personal

I currently subscribe to the "every single time you change your Blogger profile you must answer a stupid random question" theory.

The question that came up today?



If you were a wrestler, what would be your finishing move?


Um, OH SHIT SON! That's kind of sassy, Blogger!

Queerworm: New Young Pony Club - The Get Go

For the last week, I've been passing this song along to anyone who will listen. I defy you to listen to NYPC's "The Get Go" and NOT end up singing, "Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-uh-ah-ah" within 10 seconds of the end of the song.

Dare ya. Just you try not to play it more than once. The get goooooooooooooooooooo ...



Bonus live version from YouTube. Can they come back to the United States right now please?

I'm a movement by myself

For the sake of argument, let's just say that you were getting pretty down on the particular gender dynamic that you've known and loved for years. Let's also say that you were kind of feeling like maybe that particular gender dynamic was, say, falling out of favor 'cause everyone's so motherfucking post-queer, post-gender at this point that we don't even have to have words to describe ourselves. We've come that far, apparently! "Hi, my name is 10xfast and I'm ____", except, I dunno, insert a hand gesture for that gender identification that isn't even necessary or even that acceptable anymore.

Butch-femme, right? In the last few years, I've felt like my gender identity and my Great Femme Search was getting a little nuts and deceptive ... oh, like I'd decided to buy a dog and had accidentally been given a wolverine instead. Everyone I was dating was looking very femme but in identity? Not so much. I was thinking of getting "Why do you have to be such a boy all the time?" printed on t-shirts after the last failed adventure in identity politics.

And, really, I didn't actually fail all the time. Sometimes I'd land The Uber Femme, the femme so femme that any failure in butchness on my part would somehow offend her. Did I cry at a movie? Minus 20 points, don't do that around her friends. Did I forget to open a door? Well, she's standing in front of it like a T-Rex whose shriveled arms and lack of opposable thumbs have made door-opening totally impossible, so OPEN THE DOOR ALREADY.

What to do with that, really? For the most part, I've been really happy with the way that I express masculinity. It's a patchwork; I can tell you where I learned every piece of it. I can also tell you what I've decided to drop, 'cause some things just weren't gonna go into the mix. I can't fix a car, for example. I won't kill your spiders: those motherfuckers are scary and beyond my control.

So what to do? I tend to put a lot of stock in the gender identity of my partners, so the queer girl who looks femme but doesn't identify isn't really my thing anymore. By the same token, the Uber Femme who has a checklist sitting in her very stylish and expensive purse that she'll use to keep track of my butch infractions ... well, that's kind of shitty, emotionally damaging and insanely ego-bruising.

I don't want to say that I was ready to give up. That'd be some trite, romantic comedy silliness right there. I think I was ready to take a break or change my tactics or to start to settle for anyone who fit the appearance bill but wasn't quite up to par on the shared interests front. At the end of the summer, I remember having an issue with The Girl Who Had An Interesting Occupation But Wasn't Actually That Interesting and telling Tres Bien that I wasn't going to chase her. "I'm done chasing," I said. And I totally said it with all of the false confidence of a 16-year-old boy.

Here's where we go into romantic comedy territory. Here is where I write a screenplay.

Enter Punk Rock Femme, Stage Left.

She rolled into my life with tattoos and an attitude and a hundred really cute headshots. She is an Alpha Femme without the demands. She makes me laugh. She loves all of the music that I love and plenty that I don't and whoa, how unusual is that? She steals my hoodies with record label logos. She knows more about the labels behind those logos than I do. She's a pusher of the right boundaries and is soft on all of the ones that I can't give up. She melts stone. She talks shit and backs it up. She does funny things to my shyness. She is so smart that sometimes I just stay quiet and listen. She has a posse. She kicks my ass in pool. She is fierce.

When we are near each other, I feel very much like a better version of me. We smolder, we click. I understand butch-femme again when she puts her arm through mine when we're walking. I get a fluttering in my chest if she uses the wrong pronoun. We match each other in a way that is perfectly gendered without being forced.

And here is where I hope that the rest of the screenplay writes itself.

1.07.2008

Embarrassing moment #45,234,398

Now, who doesn't love to laugh at the ridiculously embarrassing stories of others? I know I do! So, here's one of mine.

On Saturday night The Wifey and I were invited out to Georgetown's Mie N Yu restaurant for drinks with my cousin and his friend. No, I haven't come out to him yet and yes I totally did the "we're roommates" thing. I know, I know, very chumpish of me, but in due time, in due time.

While TW and I were walking from the car toward the bar, I leaned over and gave her a big hearty smooch on the cheek because I love to do so and we were going to have to play it straight (ha!) for a few hours and it's difficult for me. I get cranky. So, ergo, the kiss.

Now, I had put on lipstick (yes, I know the lipstick lesbian jokes, no I don't think they are funny) and about an hour into the conversations, I looked over and noticed a perfect kiss-sized smudge on TW's cheek. I froze mid-conversation. It's like that moment when you realize you've been talking to everyone and you've had a big, green piece of spinach in your teeth? That moment where you are absolutely SURE that everyone has noticed and you're the last on that list?

I lean over to tell her and while we got the whole "oh, girls telling secrets" crap, she was able to suavely nudge her shoulder up to her cheek and wipe off the smudge. She's smooth like that.

The moral of the story: Don't kiss with lipstick unless that's your opening (coming out) line.

L stands for Lame 5.1

OK, so that's a harsh opinion, but the season 5 premiere of The L Word last night was um, a letdown. I wasn't totally up for blogging about it, but I had no idea that the characters would feel ... wrong. So, I'm just going to break it down to the points I don't quite understand and we'll go from there.

* Jenny is a bigger bitch than before AND it's never really explained how the hell she turned getting lost on a raft in the middle of nowhere into coming back from some exotic island, tanned and bitchy.

* What exactly Bette still sees in Jodie. We saw the horridly unsexy blindfold scene and the confusingly frustrating "I don't like this table" scene. Weird and weird.

* The promise of more sex and well, we got tame tame tame makeout scenes. Meh.

* Is Leisha Hailey lasering off her right armband tattoo? WTF?

* Shane doing the apartment PR chick in the same apartment her and Paige were going to rent and not having any remorse whatsoever when Paige opens the door and sees well, Shane as a bottom.

* No more Angus. At all. Written off. Mentioned in one very odd sentence. Go, Kit?

* Phyllis and Joyce. "U-hauled."

* Helena and her jacked jailmate. Methinks she'll either be her daddy or Helena will get back her ballsiness she so very much had in early seasons and show Jailmate who's The Boss.

* Tina looking hot, hot, hot. But for what what what.

1.05.2008

Homework

Not a big fan of USA Today, but it was soverynice of them to break down where each presidential candidate stands regarding gay civil rights.

And, when you're bored with that, you can even play the presidential candidate Match Game. How nifty is that? I'm most like Hillary! Neat!

The Filter

I usually don't get too personal for this blog. But, with time, I know I will. It's all part of that wonderful process of getting to know oneself and become more comfortable with the person I'm becoming, and while it's fantastic to finally feel as though I'm becoming the person I always knew I wanted to be, there's still bumps along the way. You could say I'm still transforming.

And part of that transformation is finding out what it means to be queer; not just with myself or with my girlfriend or my other very awesome gay pals, but with this still very hetero world we all live in.

Though tentimesfast says I can't say "I'm new" anymore, truth is, I still feel very new about this whole gay thing at times. I'm still frustrated/angered by unfair complications that queer people have to go through that straight people have absolutely no clue about. Case in point: The Filter.

The Filter is what I call what I do when talking to anyone who 1. Knows I'm out and 2. Knows I'm with someone and 3. Is straight. I'll get to how I speak to people who I'm not out to in a later post.

Thing is, I didn't really realize I used The Filter until yesterday. I was talking to an old friend from high school. She was my best friend in high school and we've recently reconnected. She was updating me on the ongoings with her life and then said, "Well, I feel like I'm doing all the talking, how are you? How's [The Wifey]?"

I froze. And gave such a vague/shitty answer: "Things are good...great!"
Friend From High School knows about TW and all that, so it surprised me when that's all I could muster to say. I felt ... filtered. See, I know I could go on and on about the beautiful details of my life these days. I'm ecstatic these days. I feel as though finally, 28 years in, I have figured out who I really am. I love the person I've become, I want to someday counsel little baby dykes (and baby gays) on how marvelous it really is to fully embrace being queer.

But, at that point yesterday I held back because I know that no matter how much of an ally they are, no matter how many "I'm straight but not narrow" T-shirts they own, they will never, ever understand my life. And, so I spare them the potentially uncomfortable details and instead ask how the boyfriend-if-you're-a-girl and girlfriend-if-you're-a-boy is.

Perhaps this is all just in my head. Perhaps I'm less of a queer person because I hold back because I want the people who hear about my life to fully understand it and to not just reply, "That's ... nice."

Apparently, I've still got a lot of growing to do.

1.04.2008

Queerly cover yourself

Tentimesfast blogged earlier about riggedoutfitters.com and I'm still coveting the Queer'n'Dirty Wings Hoodie. I mean, c'mon, who isn't?
But for people who want something a bit more, well, softer, there's debrifield.com.

The site sells T-shirts, bags, buttons, stickers and jewelry. I've got my Femme McFemmerson eyes on the sweet orange earrings at the bottom of the jewelry page.

Any site that features a woman walking a taco, hummus and an evil devil Dr. Phil has a special place in my heart.

The downside? Because it's a one-woman-run company, shipments can take up to 6 weeks. SIX WEEKS! So perhaps the queers with ADD should find another option, but for those of us out there who like to order, then subsequently forget they ordered something and then find a box addressed to them outside their door many, many weeks later, and consequently being filled with pure, pure joy, then this site is for you! (Yes, I forget things, get over it.) ; )

'Dire' need of acceptance

I was driving to work today, listening to 94.7 which plays grrrrrrreat artists, such as Prince, James Taylor, Cat Stevens, Joni Mitchell and the like. You know, stuff your parents listened to. ; )
Dire Strait's "Money for nothing" came on and I smiled when I remembered the campy feel of the 2D video and how MTV actually used to play music videos. But then I heard the following lyrics:

"See the little f****t with the earring and the makeup/Yeah buddy, that's his own hair/That little f****t got his own jet airplane/That little f****t, he's a millionaire"

But the station bleeped out the f****t parts, so no f-word, which=good. I didn't know stations did that for that particular f-word, but I also don't know any other songs that "feature" it either. Huh.

1.03.2008

Get all DiY up in this piece

Twee Grrrl Share has a ton of wonderful twee, riot grrrl and lady punk music available for trade and share. It's all done very gently and democratically; they're the nicest online music community I've seen in a while.

Go forth and share! Seriously, I filled in about 10 blank spots in my KRS catalog in an hour because of the lovely dudes and ladies at TGS. I'm clapping my hands and listening to Emily's Sassy Lime right as I type this ...

1.02.2008

I might be strong but don't call me mister

Well, the lyrical content isn't queer, but one of the band members is out: does it count as a queer music mix? I made it, so I say abso-fucking-lutely.

Luscious Jackson threw it down in old-school hip-hop style back in the day. Kate Schellenbach, the Out Musician in question, drummed for LJ and was once the bad boy arm candy for The Breeders' Josephine Wiggs.

Check out a few tracks from In Search Of Manny from '93 and a few more from 1996's Fever In Fever Out and see if you can spot the massive amount of influence that LJ had on groups like Northern State.

Holla!

Are you dating a goth chick?*

Rebecca Drysdale is a time traveling lesbian and a handsome bastard (she looks just like my handsome bastard friend Ethan, only with a rack!). Check the first video in the series:



Visit the rest of the videos -- there are eight in total -- where they live at Funny Or Die. They get more amusing as the series progresses.

Who doesn't like to inject their work day with a little bit of funny mixed in with hot lesbotronic make-out sessions? Communists, that's who.

*This line shows up in episode 2 and will make your entire life. I mean, if you ever made fun of goth chicks. Which you shouldn't. That would be mean.

New hat purchase: a plea for assistance

I'm in need of a new hat, and you know how the butch kids are when they get an urge for a new lid. Specifically, I'd like a white hat, but I'm having a little trouble finding one that meets my needs. I was looking at this lovely specimen over at Pacsun, but my lifelong ban on fitted caps is still in effect.

So, help a 'mo out by hooking me up with a good white hat that fits the following rules:

1.) It can't be fitted. Sorry, fitted dude hats and my not-dude head are kind of a bad match.

2.) It can't advertise a sports team or college. I have nothing against sports or colleges, but you know, I have standards for my hats. Also, I realize that sports and college are prime white hat territory. Sorry!

Two simple rules. Shoot me a link a trestresfast [at] gmail [dot] com or drop a line in the comments, and you'll have my undying devotion for as long as my raging ADHD will allow.